New All-Time Lows

I've been rather busy at work lately, and it's been showing in my personal life. For instance, I can't seem to get enough high calorie foods in me. My body is craving only sugar and fat these days. It's disgusting. But here's where the real sadness lies:

1. I show up at a meeting to give a presentation to at least 100 people. When I show up, of course the projector isn't hooked up (even though I put in an AV request), so I have to run around like an idiot calling people to come hook it up. Normally I'd just do it myself, but this auditorium had tons of little bells and whistles in the control room, and I didn't want to mess anything up in our state-of-the-art international auditorium that is wired for simultaneous interpretation in 10 languages. So finally the AV lady shows up, she takes me aside and says, "Do you know you're wearing two different shoes?"

I look down, and sure enough, I am wearing two TOTALLY different shoes. One has a gold buckle and is made of leather. The other has silver buckle and is made of shiny plastic shit. I had about two minutes before my presentation began to run back to the office and find matching shoes.

2. In order to catch up on email, I've taken to reading my email on blackberry while I'm using the bathroom. I find it's quieter in there, the phone isn't ringing and no one is stopping by. I also take a few trips to get soda throughout the day. During this time, I also blackberry constantly so I can get caught up. What's sad? I could just buy a 12-pack of soda and keep it under the desk, but I need the soda-buying time to get some exercise and some sun, all while keeping up with email.

Bias

Why is that supervisors give the busiest people more work? Why can't they give the work to the bored people, to the people who don't do shit?

I feel that every time I'm finally caught up and I'm getting back into the swing of things, my bosses throw some new challenge at me. And it's really unfair. Why do they punish me, the person who consistently does good work, by overwhelming me?

And it's not like these people who have nothing to do ever get punished either. They still get paid a respectable salary to sit there and do the absolute bare minimum.

What's going to happen is that these overwhelmed people are going to get fed up and stop doing work all together, leaving no one in the office.

Society: Evolving into stupidity?

Recently I was at a house party in Chinatown. I'm not really into gatherings at houses or apartments - I'd much rather be in a bar or sitting at home in front of the tv, but I went to this party anyhow. I'm sitting at the counter eating Doritos and anything else I can get my hands on when I look around the room and realize who is at this party. I think I'm a pretty successful person, but being in the company of these folks, I realize I am probably the youngest, dumbest and least successful person in the room.

Guests:

• The Dean of the Pharmacogenomics program at George Washington University (his wife wasn't there, because she's a doctor at Georgetown hospital and had a night shift)
• A doctor of genetics and his wife, an NCIS agent (both incredibly athletic)
• A surgeon and his wife, an ER physician (he can run a marathon in 3:15, she in about 3:40 - incredible times)
• A GS-15 electrical engineer for the FCC, single, drives an awesome BMW (that's right ladies, you should snatch this one up!)
• An account executive for Accenture (He works out all the time, but not to be athletic, but so he can drink and eat whatever he wants and go nuts and still be skinny)
• Another doctor of genetics, who works with fruit flies doing god knows what, and her husband, who works in a biology lab at Georgetown, doing god knows what
  

NOTE: Like me, none of these people have children, and most of them are pushing 40.

The evening quickly diverged into taking shots of some scary clear liquid that was purchased on the side of the road in the Philippines. And I started thinking big, mean thoughts.

Me: No one in this room has kids.

Dean of Pharmacogenomics: Yup.

Me: Isn't there something wrong with that? Shouldn't you all be reproducing? To increase the quality of the genes in the genetic pool?

Dean: We have no time to have kids.

Me: Unless the people in this room have kids, our society is going to get dumber and dumber.

Dean: Agreed. I imagine this is the case all over the place. Especially in New York, Boston and Washington, D.C. All the smart people have no time to have kids, leaving the dumb people to do all the procreating.

Me: Right. The people I went to high school with all have kids now, and they shouldn't be the ones furthering our society. Trust me - most of them work at gas stations and didn't go to college. Shouldn't the people in this room be required to have children, to further humankind?

Dean: Probably.

This got me thinking more broadly.

• My boss is an incredibly intelligent woman. No kids
• My boss' boss is an incredibly intelligent man. No kids
• Countless, intelligent friends without kids.
  

I also read an article yesterday about how the Y chromosome is degrading, meaning that scientists think men are becoming rarer, and possibly obsolete. Scary, eh? So not only are we losing our men, we're all becoming dumber.

And then I read an article about a shooting rampage in Tennessee (my home state), and one of the quotes read (I am not kidding), "I wouldn't expect nothing like this to happen," she said.
I'm sure this woman has a whole roost of children, and she can't even put a sentence together.

I'm scared for the future of humankind.

Marketing

Some girl who is friends with my neighbor, an eighteen-year-old boy named Alex, calls me up the other day out of the blue. I guess Alex gave her our number because we are "nice" and give him lots of $$ to water our plants when we are away.

Girl: I'm friends with Alex. I'm doing a marketing project for college credit. All I have to do is show you a product, and then you tell me what you think of the product and how you viewed my presentation. I have to work on perfecting my presentation skills and get feedback and write about it for class.

Me: Umm, ok. I guess I can do that. (I'm all for furthering education and helping with school projects. I care about people!)

Girl: Great, I'll be there on Saturday at noon.


Saturday rolls around and the girl shows up with a crapload of knives. Knives. Sharp ones, and scissors that can cut through pennies and stuff. I know this because she tried to get my husband to cut through a penny. We made it about halfway through the penny before losing strength, but now I know what it looks like on the inside - silvery.

Me: So where do you go to college?

Girl: Delaware

Me: And this presentation is for a marketing class?

Girl: It can be. It's a job I can put toward college credit.

Me: I see. So you aren't actually in a class right now, you are working for a knife company?

Girl: Yes. Take a look at these shears. These things could cut through a frozen pizza! And try cutting through this rope with this knife.

Yes: The girl was that person on the 3:00am infomercials trying to sell me aluminum foil that can cook a whole chicken in the microwave in 20 minutes.

So we sit there patiently, and calmly, as this girl tries to sell us a $1000 knife set. I tell her that I can barely make a sandwich, and we don't even use the knives we have, so I doubt we'd be the best customers.

Finally she gets the hint and leaves.

However, I do think she has a career in marketing - to dupe me into believing she was coming over to present a product for a college class was pretty awesome!

I'm still pretty angry - I missed a call from a friend while she was here, and I could've been out drinking margaritas with him. Arg.

Nicotine Wraps - Government Conspiracy?

The cafeteria at work makes these killer chicken caesar wraps. At $6.59 apiece, they're hardly a bargain, yet I keep eating them. All the time.

About a month ago, I began to suspect that there must be something in these wraps that make me keep buying them because every time I eat one, I get a bad stomach ache, so bad my stomach thinks it's folding in on itself, or even rupturing. But I keep eating those wraps.

I think there's nicotine in them, causing me to get addicted. I'm not the only one who is addicted. The cafeteria has many eateries: sushi, taco salad, burgers, fries, bbq, pizza, sandwiches, Greek stuff, Chinese stuff, etc. They get some business, but nothing compared to the two lines featuring caesar nicotine dressing: The caesar wrap line and the caesar salad line.

So today I was in a very important meeting at work in the Secretary's office, and I happened to see that the Director of Operations was there too. I marched right over, forgetting all about the reason we were there.

Me: I think there's nicotine in the caesar salad wraps. You're spiking them with something to make us keep buying them, which is wasting all our money. $7 wraps, five days a week is $35.

Director of Operations: There's no nicotine in the wraps. It's anchovies.

Me: Anchovies?

Director of Operations: Caesar dressing is made of anchovies.

I thought the Director must be shitting me, but I did some research (Yes, I probably could've been working) and discovered that anchovies are in the dressing, and they are quite salty and can cause Gout!

So not only am I addicted to these wraps, I could possibly get Gout. Gout is also known as "the rich man's disease."

How ironic. I'm wasting all my money on these wraps! I might as well start smoking cigarettes. Fewer calories, fewer anchovies, less chance of gout, and more money.

25 Things About Me...

25 Crucial Things About Me (I may expand on some of these later)

1. I read Get Fuzzy and Zits every single day before I even bother to check the news.
2. My husband’s parents once accused me of killing their beloved African Grey parrot by boring it to death with several hours of reruns of “The O.C.”
3. I once spent like $300 on a ticket to a Paul McCartney concert and I sat in the second row off to Paul’s right. At one point, all the people around me sat down so I stood up and danced and Paul gave me a thumb’s up.
4. One time at a Red Sox game, I dropped a foul ball and my husband yelled at me harshly. And then everyone booed me.
5. I can sing almost every single Beatles song from start to finish because I always listened to the Beatles while working on Nintendo games such as Zelda: A Link to the Past and Super Mario World for Super Nintendo.
6. President George W. Bush once used my right shoulder as an armrest.
7. I’ve eaten at Guapo’s Mexican Restaurant at least 200 times, which means I’ve probably spent about $5,000 there.
8. John Negroponte has introduced himself to me at least eight times in the past two years, while never once remembering that we’d already met.
9. I can do loads of Sudoku but still have problems with crosswords, which is embarrassing for me because my dad went to the National Crossword Championships.
10. I’ve been working on a book for three years and I really would like to get it published.
11. I once witnessed a private conversation between Bill Clinton and Anderson Cooper while waiting for an elevator.
12. I have a great desire to audition for American Idol, yet I never do and then I regret it when I start seeing all these horrible people make it to Hollywood. I’m sure I’m just as good as the horrible people.
13. I think I missed about sixty days of my senior year of high school. What a waste of time that year was since I still managed to graduate with like a 3.89.
14. I am great at growing orchids.
15. My husband and I may have been in a weird Japanese movie that was shot on the waterways of Venice. When the cameras were pointed toward us, we waved our arms and shouted a lot.
16. One time, I was wheeling three cases of beer through the hallway at work and I ran into Condi Rice. She looked down at all the beer, looked back up at me and said, “Happy Holidays!”
17. I’ve been to the ER several times in my life. Once when I was really little, I ate a red crayon, pooped it out and my parents rushed me to the ER because they thought I was bleeding internally.
18. Another time I went to the ER was because I had been practicing to become an Olympic diver. I pretended that a dining room chair was the board and I was working on my front dives. Then my dad suggested that I try a back dive and I practically split half of my eye open. I still have a nasty scar. And I think my mom kicked my dad out of the house until my eye was fixed.
19. Another time I went to the ER was because one Saturday night in college, I decided to build my own computer using various parts. Somehow while putting it together, I managed to slice my finger wide open on a computer component. Every other kid in the ER that night was drunk and need their stomachs pumped and all the doctors made fun of me because I had injured myself on a computer.
20. The most recent visit to the ER was because one day at work, we finally got some very important letters signed by the Secretary and I ran in my high heels to pick them up. Then I went to run back to my office and fell down a flight of stairs with the letters in hand. I crumpled the letters on my fall, but they still were mentioned in the following Monday’s Washington Post, which wasn’t really worth it in the end. But it’s a neat story to tell.
21. One of my favorite pastimes is making models of the Starship Enterprise with modeling clay.
22. Once while running a ½ marathon, I was passed by an old woman who claimed to have bronchitis. I still had a respectable time though.
23. One time my former boss decided to introduce me to Bill Frist. I told her that I enjoyed reading about the Senator’s open heart surgery on a gorilla. When I finally met him, my boss told the Senator that I had a huge interest in heart surgery and would like to speak to him about it. Yeah, I don’t know ANYTHING about heart surgery.
24. I once met George Lucas, and we was wearing white jeans. Yes. White jeans.
25. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to become a Cracker Barrel manager. I think I may have missed my calling…

Advice

I've been hooking up with a co-worker for four months, but I really want to be his girlfriend. We had sex on our second date, and after that, our dates stopped being dinner and turned into my going straight to his place. I really want to ask how he feels about me, but I'm afraid of scaring him off. If I'm just a booty call, I'll be hurt! (Ask Amy)

My advice: Look, if a guy can get it for free, he's gonna stop paying for dates. Trust me. Unless he really likes you, in which case, he'll want to go out and do things in public with you. This is not the case here. Stop going over to his place (I imagine he's too lazy to come to your house, right?) and go out with other guys. And pick up a copy of the book "The Rules." They work. That book was the best $0.25 I ever spent at a yard sale.

It happened again last night — I had to change my restaurant chair position to avoid seeing some patrons eating their food. Where I'm from, we were taught to hold the fork in our left hand and the knife in the right. The knife cuts the food and the left hand elegantly brings it to the mouth.

Here I observe that people keep their left hands shackled to their laps most of the time. They only use the fork. They use their knife on the right hand to cut food; then drop the knife to the side of their plate and return their left hands to their laps. The food is brought to the mouth by using forks held in the right hand.

Having lived in different countries, we noticed that most people elsewhere seem to know how to use dinner implements properly. Do you have any explanation for the strange table manners in this country? — Disgusted (Ask Amy)

My advice: Dear lord, why in the world did you waste time writing this? This is what your problem is that you need advice on? I know someone whose child was kidnapped and taken to a foreign country, and you worry about how people use their freaking utensils? Who are you? Lady Catherine from Pride and Prejudice?

Putting binders together - how tough could it be?

In my office, we have three administrative assistants (AAs) for eight analysts, including two high level officials. You may ask why we need three people to do something one person should be able to do. This is just impossible. The three AAs combined only make up one complete person.

I usually do all my administrative work myself, as I can usually make the time to do this, and I feel bad wasting the time of the AAs when they could be doing work for the higher level people. But sometimes I really need their help because I'm swamped. Like today.

The AAs actually don't do all that much work. One of them comes in each morning and dumps about 100 coupons all over her desk. She spends much of the day going through the coupons and arranging them. She's usually pretty good, when she's there, so I don't mind the coupons much. I don't bother her with things like binders, because I use her for the more thought-intensive tasks, like printing out letters and memos on letterhead, and fixing copy machine jams. (Again, I can do this stuff, but usually I am in such a hurry, I just can't.)

AA #2 is very young, and doesn't understand much of anything. I send her messages saying, "Can you go to this meeting with me? I need your assistance with XYZ." And she writes back, "Can I go to the meeting with you?" Ummmm ok. I wouldn't have asked in the first place if I didn't want you to come. This has happened at least six times, so I've just stopped asking.

AA #3 comes in everyday and spends a great deal of time doing online crossword puzzles and raising money for breast cancer research. Again, I'm ok with both of these activities, provided she does her work. Lately, this has been a problem.

First, last week, a man from the Netherlands' Foreign Ministry came to visit us. I asked AA#3 FOUR separate times to put this meeting on the boss' schedule. Four times. It did not end up on the schedule. And the Netherlands guy shows up, and the boss was off getting dry cleaning and coffee or something.

Then today, I ask the same AA to put together two binders for our boss (containing two sets of different information). I sent her the email at about 8:15am. It would've taken me about fifteen minutes to do this, so I thought it would be a simple task. Besides, it's her job, and I don't have time for it.

Noon: Binders still not done. I ask why. AA#3 responds, "Because you didn't send me all the papers for it."
I respond, "Yes, I did, you just haven't scrolled down all the way on the email." I show her how to scroll down in Outlook and find the papers. She understands, I think.

3:00pm: AA#3 asks me, "Can you take a look at the binders and see if they are ok?" I look at the binders. She has put together one of the binders twice. TWICE. I tell her she forgot to do the second binder. She doesn't understand. I sit there at her desk and print out everything for her, and show her where it goes. At this point, I'm late for a meeting with the Secretary's office. Because I have to show someone how to print out stuff and put it in a binder.

5:00pm: The binders are finally finished. Nine hours later.

Goat

This is awesome. I wonder if the goat thinks of himself as a koala.

Made in China

At a meeting at work:

Me: We need to look at buying gifts for the Chinese delegates. How about some leather portfolios with the conference title engraved on them?

Coworker from another office: We can get leather portfolios, but they were actually probably made in China. But when we engrave them, we'll engrave them with the inscription "Made in America." (in all seriousness)

Advice Columns

Everyday I read the advice columns in the Post. Boy, I can't believe some of the idiotic issues that people complain about. I honestly wish I had their lives, because their problems are nothing compared to people being held in North Korea against their will, or a coup in Nicaragua, or the election in Iran.

For instance -

I am a newly married woman and have taken my husband's last name. Let's call him Roger Fullname. Recently a package arrived for me from my mother, and it was addressed to Mrs. Roger Fullname. I find this designation offensive. I'm sure that my mother didn't mean any disrespect and that she was taught that it was proper etiquette. However, it says to me that I am no longer my own person but merely my husband's wife. Am I being too sensitive? And what can I say to my mother and others who may address me in this manner? (Ask Amy)

My advice? GET OVER IT. You probably spent half an hour crafting up this question, a half hour you'll never get back. You could've taken a jog, or watched an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. And why can't you just tell your mom not to call you that? It's not like she's a stranger, or your boss or something. Just say, "Mom, please call me Idiot like you always have."

At my ex-boyfriend's insistence, he and his fiancee will be double-dating with me and my boyfriend this weekend. Our relationship went badly and ended worsely, and this is probably a bad idea but we're committed to it now. Any words of advice? (Carolyn Hax chat)

My advice: Your boyfriend is obviously trying to make you jealous, to show you what you're missing out on. Instead of not going, I suggest you tell your boyfriend to stay home and hire a male escort for the evening. Like Dermot Mulroney in that movie, The Wedding Date. Make sure he's a lot hotter than your ex, and make him wear a crisp Armani suit. And rent a Maserati for the evening. That'll show your ex for trying to set up an awkward double date!

I found a bra (not mine) under the bed I share with my husband. I also found a Post-It note covered with a woman's handwriting stuck to the passenger door of his car. I think it's the work of someone who desperately wants not to be a secret anymore. Now what? (Carolyn Hax)

My advice: Why are you taking the time to write this when you could be breaking up with your husband, while wearing the unknown bra? Also, while waiting on the divorce papers to be served to him, start leaving jock straps around the house, too.

Management Excellence

About two weeks ago, I spent several hours putting together a powerpoint presentation on "Management Excellence" at my USG job. I talked about how my agency has too many platforms, meaning separate bureaus duplicate services already offered by another bureau, and how if we cut down on these duplications by creating a "Non-Duplication" officer, we will save craploads of money. Tax dollars. Also, consolidating these services will allow for greater security and streamlining of efforts and upgrades, allowing everyone in my 70,000 person agency to operate on the same page.

Tada! This went over extremely well with the Secretary of my agency. She loved it. Said she wanted me to write a magazine article about it. Said she wanted to have a big event showcasing it.

So what does she do?

A week later she gives a big speech about how our agency needs to take a look at how we do business, and determine if we are organized properly to do the work of the President.

I think it's smart the Secretary wants to ensure our resources are properly aligned with our goals, but at the same time, couldn't she have brought up this speech when we were talking about Management Excellence? How can we make sure we're on the same page if she doesn't even tell us about the speech until the day before it happens?