Nicotine Wraps - Government Conspiracy?

The cafeteria at work makes these killer chicken caesar wraps. At $6.59 apiece, they're hardly a bargain, yet I keep eating them. All the time.

About a month ago, I began to suspect that there must be something in these wraps that make me keep buying them because every time I eat one, I get a bad stomach ache, so bad my stomach thinks it's folding in on itself, or even rupturing. But I keep eating those wraps.

I think there's nicotine in them, causing me to get addicted. I'm not the only one who is addicted. The cafeteria has many eateries: sushi, taco salad, burgers, fries, bbq, pizza, sandwiches, Greek stuff, Chinese stuff, etc. They get some business, but nothing compared to the two lines featuring caesar nicotine dressing: The caesar wrap line and the caesar salad line.

So today I was in a very important meeting at work in the Secretary's office, and I happened to see that the Director of Operations was there too. I marched right over, forgetting all about the reason we were there.

Me: I think there's nicotine in the caesar salad wraps. You're spiking them with something to make us keep buying them, which is wasting all our money. $7 wraps, five days a week is $35.

Director of Operations: There's no nicotine in the wraps. It's anchovies.

Me: Anchovies?

Director of Operations: Caesar dressing is made of anchovies.

I thought the Director must be shitting me, but I did some research (Yes, I probably could've been working) and discovered that anchovies are in the dressing, and they are quite salty and can cause Gout!

So not only am I addicted to these wraps, I could possibly get Gout. Gout is also known as "the rich man's disease."

How ironic. I'm wasting all my money on these wraps! I might as well start smoking cigarettes. Fewer calories, fewer anchovies, less chance of gout, and more money.